by Bret

Planning to Fail

Good evening all.

Blog posting has been a tad remiss, great start to the new blogging intentions; however life gets in the way. Nobody wants daily updates anyway, the interesting parts of my life don’t occur that frequently. Plus I was all partied up last night at my pal’s birthday bash.

I was checking out headlines and such for blog fodder and among the full moon beer, hobbit actor blockade and such I found myself wondering at what strange artefacts these news stories and events would leave for the future, should our civilisation flicker and fade.

So then I veered back to an old train of thought of mine, namely: what I would do in case of apocalypse.

They say that if  you fail to plan, then you plan to fail. So, I’m going to start putting down my plans in a more orderly fashion, to save time on doomsday. I will go through the basics with each blog post, systematically tackling survival issues, starting today with:


There are loads of ways for the planet to get hostile. The nature of the end of the world has a direct impact on how one would go about dealing with it, so I have had to consider the options and stick to one or two types of apocalypse to plan for.

Firstly we can weed out the apocalypses that you simply can’t survive, and thus my planning would be limited to running screaming and biological imperatives:

  • Sun goes voip. The lights go out and the planet freezes. No plan needed.
  • Heat death of the universe. Theoretically inevitable state where all energy in the universe has been used up and everything goes meh. Probably not a factor for my lifetime anyway.
  • Meteorite. Unless its a baby, the dust clouds and general destruction will put a stop to post-apoc coolness.
  • Nuclear winter. If there is total nuclear annihilation, then we won’t be donning one-sleeved leathers and battling super mutants; we will just be dead.
  • Pandemic. Okay, if it’s a case of a virus totally taking down humanity, then odds are I’ll be pushing up microbes.

These are but a few of the really big bangs that might screw the pooch on a global scale. So, I will only make plans for the survivable stuff. The list I have narrowed it down to is:

  • Polydemic. Like a pandemic, but only most people being dead instead of all. Virus wipes out most people, leaves a precious few, like in Terry Nation’s Survivors. As one of the blessed ones, I will go about my survival rituals, putting a slant on protection from further infection.
  • Nuclear scuffle. Some of the world has been reduced to glowing green ash, but not all, allowing for some of humanity to stagger from the ruins of civilisation and start anew. I will be concentrating efforts on clean water and shelter from fallout, etc.
  • Nature all up in your shit. Supervolcanos, megatsunamis, ultraquakes, awesomehail, etc. Focus on getting to ground that isnt flooded, shattered, or upside down.
  • General bad juju. AI going mad and enslaving people, worldwide famine and war, civil unrest, mass insanity, invasion by lizards, nanomasons, that kind of thing. Zombie apocalypse comes under this one but frankly its a ridiculous idea and there’s no point in planning for it any more than the others. Can’t really plan for this stuff anyway, but it bears considering. ANYONE could be a nanomason- lock up your daughters and staple down your mail.

If any of these horsemen of the apocalypse come calling, I better have a plan. I’m going to assume that any of the above factors could be in play but try to make a plan that accounts for all of them. Since it would be curtains anyway if a disaster directly struck my home town of Stoke, then I will probably assume that chaos and madness are going on around the world but not on my immediate doorstep.

Something bad has happened and going to work and making cheese and ham toasties is just not going to cut it; life will have to change forever, and to survive, I will need an awesome plan. Next post will be about the immediate pressing issues- the all important first 24 hours.

Have a good remainder of the weekend!

Combat a la Vegetable

Good friday folks.

The brief period of calm before work, cocooned in a cuppa, poised to resist doing any hard work for the next 9 hours. This time could be employed to prepare wonderous things to say or do at work, or perform various household tasks. Instead I will do this, which is more interesting and fulfilling.

Sleepwalkers is mired in the process of checking all the magic ‘spells’. The system is frankly intended so that you don’t need pre-prescribed spells, but the framework is so loose indeed that a set of examples was required. Plus, the set as a whole becomes a character of sorts in the game. It’s a group of 24 words that embody archetypal human ting, not unlike the runes of the Norse culture. Very tempted to work them into some kind of personalised sortilege system.

Tell ya what puts one’s problems into perspextive- I have never done battle with a bear. A bear has not attacked a pet of mind, clawed my leg and then only fled my property after the courageous application of a weaponised Courgette.

This woman has! She battled a 200lb Ursos Americanus with a ballistic zucchini! So today’s post honours her surface-to-bear vegetable violence. THEY DONT LIKE IT.

In other news everything is crap. Poor India’s knackered commonwealth games; such a shame, expected more from them. It would appear that corners have been cut with aplomb; not sure exactly where the blame lies yet but I’m sure someone will be made to stand up for it soon. All their shit is falling down and killing people. It’s like the post apocalypse games. Shit, awesome sketch potential there.

Lastly, a lost language was lifted from a letter in Lima. Some crazy scribble on the back of a 17th century letter points to a previously unknown indigenous language. As a lover of language, this is most cool and/or groovy, though I also wonder if maybe some 17th century conquistador was just making up some funny words. It’s LevIOsa not LevioSA!

Aaagh tea getting cold, must stop typing to partake in beverage. Wana go back to school to learn cheerleading.

Orevwa epi yo dwe san danje nan lous, as they say in Haitian Creole.

The Middlest Day

Its’ 9.23, in the curious space betwix work and sleep. I’ve decided to blog more, because as the French say, I don’t do it often or vigorously enough.

Of course with my busy (ish) life (ish) I don’t get to go out and absorb amazing events to blog about. My time is spent at work monitoring bingo harridans, writing Sleepwalkers, or wishing I had the money to be absorbing amazing events.

Nonetheless, blog I shall, if only to keep my fingers sharp.

Sleepwalkers is at a great stage where it’s taking days and days just to re-read what I’ve already finished. It must be done though because I keep a) finding faults and b) changing things. The search for illustrators continues in the meantime, and I have made a rudimentary character sheet. I may do an open invite to an RPOL session at some point to drum up some interest.

I have decided to expound and entertain the virtues of Vista Sidebar. When first I got Vista on my pc, I shut it down, proclaiming: I dont need this vertical shit. Frankly, I don’t. However, the gadgets are nice little asides and I have come to find some in particular most worthy of my time.

The first and foremost is notepad; or more accurately, a customised longer notepad I found be searching the Live site. You just click on it, write some crap, and then it stays there. This is immensely useful for someone as forgetful and scatterbrained as me. The second two are simple twitter and facebook updateathon things. They give you new statuses and you can alter your own remotely with them. This is very handy for quick updates and knowing what Simon Pegg is up to at any given moment. Lastly; RSS feeds, on the desktop, giving you ample chances to see bits of news, which is important to a journalist, I’m told. I have BBC worldwide and Reuter’s Oddly Enough piping directly into my face 24/7.

So.. yeah. It’s quiet at the casa del Bret, noisy PC fans notwithstanding. I think I shall watch a film, using my virtual hat, which is a notepad file with several films I feel like watching listed numerically. Upon rolling a dice, I have two hours of entertainment selected for me by the whimsy of the Fates. My life is as crazy as CRAZY BARKING.


The Worded Beardsmith

El Ahrairah says so:

Prince with a thousand enemies