America moves troops onto the Isle of Sodor
“Choo Choo on that,” says US Secretary General
In an unexpected turn of events at 03:00 hours this morning, President Barack Obama gave the go-ahead for US military chiefs to land ground troops on the sovereign island state of Sodor, beside the Isle of Man in the Irish Sea.
The Sudric-speaking nation has long been associated with dissident activity, including some particularly naughty coal trucks, dubbed by the FBI’s most wanted list as the ‘Troublesome Trucks’. Local authorities have been labelled as corrupt and ineffectual, having failed time after time to remove this menace. The White House also cites the suspected presence of WMDs, in the form of robotic, ‘living’ trains such as the entity dubbed ‘Thomas’ by military intelligence.
This movement of ground troops is believed to be an attempt at securing or eliminating the island’s plutocratic dictator, Sir Topham Hatt, better known by his codename ‘The Fat Controller’. Though he was widely considered the lesser of two evils, as his twin brother Sir Lowham Hatt is a reckless aristocrat, the US has now deemed the Fat Controller to be enemy number one.
The White House refuses to respond to claims from critics that this move is an illegal invasion, publicly sold as a ‘liberation’ which brings ‘freedom’ to the Isle, while in fact the true goal is to secure Sodor’s valuable coal reserves.
The Reverend W. Awdry, spiritual leader for the island’s small population, said today;
“Well, Flatten my Funnel! We will not give up Sodor without a fight, you yankee bastards! Bring it on, we’ll sink the whole damn island with our robotic living trains!”
However, the US presidential candidate Donald Trump responded in a statement on CNN;
“The Isle of Sodor is an enemy of freedom! If this ‘Thomas’ isn’t a weapon, why do they call him ‘Thomas the Tank’? Eh? Eh? Exactly! Yeah! And did you see that one where they bricked up Henry in a tunnel, Edgar Allan Poe style? (No, really!) These people are sick and they hate freedom; if necessary we’ll use drone strikes to reduce them to Cinders and Ashes!”
Ringo Starr, long term resident of Sodor and supporter of Sir Topham Hatt, was unavailable for comment but is believed to be penning a song to encourage the world to send aid to refugees trying to flee Sodor. The song is understood to be a cover of Kylie Minogue’s ‘The Locomotion’.