Dark Souls Yoga

---

See, nerds can be healthy.

 

 

With the release of Dark Souls 3 looming (April 12^th on our side of the planet, miscreants) I thought it was important to look after my health. With long stretches of gaming in the future, it’s easy to forget to exercise and let yourself ossify into the sofa, while you die repeatedly on the screen.

 

To combat the potential health risks of Dark Souls 3, such as deep vein thrombosis and petrification, I’ve come up with some simple stretches that you can perform every half hour or so to get you out of the chair, just for a few minutes. Better still, they won’t even break your immersion! That’s right, this is…

Dark Souls Gesture Yoga.

Let’s look at some of the main poses, how to perform them and how they help you. For beginners, I recommend just trying a few of the lighter poses at first, then moving onto the more demanding poses when you’re ready. Remember also to clear a space for your yoga and ideally use a mat, to prevent equipment breakage.

 

Pic	Pose	Method	Use
	Warmup	Run on the spot and do a few light jumps.	It’s a warmup, obviously. Dark Souls provides everything. Try confidence!
	Point	Keeping feet firmly planted, turn sideways and raise one arm, extending the finger. Hold for ten seconds.	Great for treating cramp in your trigger button fingers.
	Wave	Extend one arm upwards and move it side-to-side slowly, pausing at full stretch.	Helps with elbow cramps caused by Blighttown-related tension.
	Pumped Up	Making fists, thrust them into the air and wave them around while rotating your core.	Great pose for loosening up.
	Duel Bow	A deep bow with a bend at the waist and knee. Also try Proper Bow, butler-style.	Helps with ‘leaning forward tensely for four hours’ back.
	Shrug	Raise palms as if to say ‘oy vey’ and shrug while shaking head; perform as vigorously as required.	Aids neck and shoulder cramps.
	Well? What is it?	Extend arms and step forward as if to say ‘whut?’ or possibly ‘Come at me bro!’.	Get those legs moving after long periods of sitting.
	Warcry	Slowly lower yourself to a single-knee kneeling pose, one leg forward, arms raised to the sky. Hold for several seconds.	A demanding pose that’s hard to hold for long, but really loosens the core and looks ace when absorbing souls.
	Prostration	Move into a full kneel and bow repeatedly, 2-4 times as needed.	Stretches the back and helps to locate items lost under sofas.
	Praise the Sun	Stand tall, raise arms in a Y-shape, fingers outstretched, then tip-toe for a few seconds. Adopt proud face and praise hard.	The best pose ever, supplanting the Sun Salutation used in standard yoga. Fills your body with the warmth of the sun. If only I could be so grossly incandescent…

Note: I borrowed the above gesture images from Dark Souls Wikidots One and Two – excellent resources for anyone playing these unwelcoming games. Thanks folks!

 

Try these poses and soon you’ll be more limber than ever, gaming up to 13% more effectively thanks to your relaxed body. Have fun with Dark Souls 3 and remember, hurrah for something!