The Venerable Beard – 06/01/13

Greetings Beardlings…

I do solemnly swear, in a new-year resolute fashion, to post on El Blogtor more often. Now, this is difficult- I can’t write short stories forever. Nor can I blather about writing projects forever (but a bit, no doubt). I can, just barely, witter on about things. So wittering will be attempted. I’m hesitant.

Today, I decided to fully reject the notion of the five-a-day fruit and veg intake directive.

I never followed it in the first place, of course. Despite my ‘healthening’, I’m adamant that there are ways to lose weight without being pumped full of plant matter. So what’s the big deal? Well, I decided that five-a-day will never-go-away, so rather than ignoring it, I’d rather subvert it.

Let’s take the ‘mandatory consumption of five things’ paradigm (or, if you will, ‘quintessentials’ – see what I done did there?) and apply it to something else.

My Beardy Five-a-Day (or Quintessentials):

I will endeavour to consume each of these every day for perfect health and so should everyone else.

1. A news article about another country or world news. You might learn something about the state of trade negotiations in Belgium, or upheaval in the Middle East, or that pesky war in the DRC. At the very least, you’ll be reminded that the UK isn’t doing so badly.

2. At least thirty minutes of radio. Any station, even a rubbish one- the thing is to expose oneself (lol) to something unexpected and to support this fantastic medium. I recommend Absolute Radio and the fancy radio player web app thingy.

3. Exercise, at least five minutes. If you don’t have time or inclination, just go up and down the stairs a few extra times. This doesn’t have to be a workout, because there’s no point in doing a full workout daily. Just get the blood flowing and give yourself a little time to let your mind wander. Ample opportunity for number four:

4. Experience something from your own imagination. Sounds stupid, I know. Think up an idea for a book, or what you would name your offspring, or what your perfect house would be like, or some kind of crazy fantastical landscape. Dream up some kind of weird animal, or a word (like ‘sluppish’- the feeling of a wet car seat). The point is to introspect and see what your mind has been doing while you weren’t paying attention.

5. Commune with someone you care about. Again, you might learn something. You just don’t know what’s around the corner, so spend a while talking to a friend or relative, even about nothing whatsoever. No friends or relatives? Er… read a book.

If in doubt, try number six:

6. Try to take over the world.


Have fun, bye for now!


by Bret

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