I didn’t even know that Mick Jagger HAD hooves…

Right, help me out here.

Why- oh, why- doth anyone listen to Maroon 5?

Maroon… ugh… the colour of cheap strip clubs.

Well, there’s no strait answer, is there? I suppose their catchy melodies might have some kind of hypnotic effect. Even the best of us have tapped a toe or hummed a chord against our free will, after being programmed by the merest snatch of music from television, radio or newspaper. No, wait, newspapers don’t have audio. I’m remembering the future again.


While I can’t possibly explain this phenomenon without callipers, archaic phrenological brain maps and a car battery, I can posit this:

Maroon 5 can be infinitely improved by becoming MAROONED 5.

Picture the scene: a quintet of musicians become marooned on a desert island. We don’t know why exactly- insert savage backstory of mutiny or pirate attack aboard a cruise liner- but these disparate and desperate gents find themselves totally up the Crusoe.

Fortunately, they find that they have ample food supply in the form of fruit (possible lotophagi side quest frolics) and boar (amusing aside where ‘city boys’ try to learn to hunt… with a hint of Lord of the Flies).

The only other thing on the island of use to them is flotsam from the ship- their instruments, the radio, and misc. other things like booze and models and a Somali pirate who has a change of heart and becomes their lovable sidekick, Bang Bang.

They know little of navigation, so they set to using the radio to learn how to pinpoint their location from the stars. While having a charming episodic dialogue with the mainland (maybe a witty, intelligent and implied-to-be-beautiful coastguard lady), they decide to ‘jam’ with their acoustic instruments and some, oh, I don’t know, bamboo pipes and boar skin bongos.

Marooned 5 are born- their little radio exchanges, featuring backstory, side adventures and desert island concerts, become a worldwide phenomenon. People tune in across the globe to hear the music of these plucky men who have turned adversity into creativity, producing a pure music of hope and artistic simplicity that warms the hearts of all who hear it.

This, I would listen to.

When the coastguard chick leads a rescue ship to finally meet our heroes face-to-face and fall in love with the lead singer, they are shocked to find that Bang Bang has killed them all in their sleep.


by Bret

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