The Venerable Beard – 10/10/12

I imagine you seeing this post and demanding in your best Dalek voice: “EXPLAIN!”

So I shall. This is a new ‘column’ about stuff, the stuff varies, it’s short and just a bit of fun-poking.

Today’s stuff: Dragon’s Den, Civilization 5 and Badgers.


Dragon’s Den is a thing what appears on the telly box. I watch it sometimes. People pitch their ideas/businesses at five decadent capitalist pig dogs. The pig dog dragons (awesome idea for an Order of the Stick baddie there) deliver either money for a portion of the victim’s soul (yay!) or scathing insults (presumably playing up to the dragon motif).

In fairness it’s pretty ace, even if it does fall into the category of Entertaining By Exploiting People’s Actual Hopes And Dreams. Nonetheless, I have concocted a simple three step plan to improve the show.

  1. The inclusion of a Monopoly dynamic. This would involve dressing the dragons like the monopoly man (including the two women, Deborah and Grendel). They invest in the punters then roll dice and drive their cars over them, or something like that. They can build a hotel ONLY after having bought all the properties in a ten mile radius and ALSO having built at least four houses on each plot. It’s harrowingly realistic.
  2. The inclusion of the dragon from Merlin. He will be inserted with CGI and voiced by John Hurt. He will dispense advice in the same way that he does in Merlin. Otherwise he will prove to be ultimately useless and anticlimactic, in the same way that he does in Merlin. If public reception is bad, a Skyrimmy Dragonborn-esque armour clad figure will come into the den to pitch his dragon slaying business. He wants 10,000 gold for 10 per cent of the company.
  3. The wobbly eye man who compares the show will randomly run into the den during the pitches, dressed as Death, slashing at the entrepreneurs with a scythe.


What else? Oh yes, Civilization 5. I’m lazy, so it’s now Civ 5. Make that Civ. Or even just C. Okay, so I really like C. C is a great strategy game with a wonderful historical flavour and loads of character. Said character is generated by the devious tactics of the other C’s that you compete against in C.

The reason this is on my mind is because Isabella of Spain backstabbed me to ribbons and has marched her Conquistadors (that’s a long word, let’s make it ‘C’) all over my laaaand. So Issa’s C’s are conquering (c-ing) my cities (c’s) and proving incredibly hard to defeat!

I’m ‘being’ Russia and I’m not too good at it. I can’t be doing with another C’s C’s c-ing my c’s and bringing Russia to it’s kn’s. I’ve had much more success with being peaceful and focusing on culture, with Siam. My advice: don’t try to explain this game to anyone else ever.


Lastly, I said I would discuss badgers, but I can’t be bothered. They’re just wonderful. Stop culling them! Just round them up and put them on the Isle of Mann. Rename it the Isle of Badgg.


That is all. Go and listen to some Mumford and Sons.



by Bret

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