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The Venerable Beard – 06/01/13

Greetings Beardlings…

I do solemnly swear, in a new-year resolute fashion, to post on El Blogtor more often. Now, this is difficult- I can’t write short stories forever. Nor can I blather about writing projects forever (but a bit, no doubt). I can, just barely, witter on about things. So wittering will be attempted. I’m hesitant.

Today, I decided to fully reject the notion of the five-a-day fruit and veg intake directive.

I never followed it in the first place, of course. Despite my ‘healthening’, I’m adamant that there are ways to lose weight without being pumped full of plant matter. So what’s the big deal? Well, I decided that five-a-day will never-go-away, so rather than ignoring it, I’d rather subvert it.

Let’s take the ‘mandatory consumption of five things’ paradigm (or, if you will, ‘quintessentials’ – see what I done did there?) and apply it to something else.

My Beardy Five-a-Day (or Quintessentials):

I will endeavour to consume each of these every day for perfect health and so should everyone else.

1. A news article about another country or world news. You might learn something about the state of trade negotiations in Belgium, or upheaval in the Middle East, or that pesky war in the DRC. At the very least, you’ll be reminded that the UK isn’t doing so badly.

2. At least thirty minutes of radio. Any station, even a rubbish one- the thing is to expose oneself (lol) to something unexpected and to support this fantastic medium. I recommend Absolute Radio and the fancy radio player web app thingy.

3. Exercise, at least five minutes. If you don’t have time or inclination, just go up and down the stairs a few extra times. This doesn’t have to be a workout, because there’s no point in doing a full workout daily. Just get the blood flowing and give yourself a little time to let your mind wander. Ample opportunity for number four:

4. Experience something from your own imagination. Sounds stupid, I know. Think up an idea for a book, or what you would name your offspring, or what your perfect house would be like, or some kind of crazy fantastical landscape. Dream up some kind of weird animal, or a word (like ‘sluppish’- the feeling of a wet car seat). The point is to introspect and see what your mind has been doing while you weren’t paying attention.

5. Commune with someone you care about. Again, you might learn something. You just don’t know what’s around the corner, so spend a while talking to a friend or relative, even about nothing whatsoever. No friends or relatives? Er… read a book.

If in doubt, try number six:

6. Try to take over the world.

 

Have fun, bye for now!

 
[sociable]

Exclusive interview with Half Life’s Gordon Freeman!

When Gordon Freeman’s agent called me with an exclusive interview opportunity, I was- understandably, I think you will agree- as excited as a puppy with a bog roll.

 

It’s no secret that Doctor Freeman rarely gives interviews, often shunning the limelight and performing promotional duties only when necessary. Hoping to get the scoop on the state of the Half Life franchise, I met with Gordon at Valve’s office in Bellevue.

I’d already gone through two cups of water due to nerves before Gordon appeared. I smiled to myself when I realised that somehow, I was expecting him to be wearing the HEV suit. Instead he wore a simple shirt and trousers, white and black- as if he had just come in from the office. A pair of pens in his shirt pocket spoke of his orderly mind, but a lack of tie spoke of the man who had become a rock star of the game industry.

 

“Hi, Doctor Freeman. It’s a pleasure to meet you!” I began. Gordon said nothing, just nodded and smiled, shaking my hand. I noted that he had kept the iconic goatee in check and was sporting a strong physique- staying in shape for the production of HL: Episode 3?

“Can I call you Gordon?” I asked nervously. He nodded. “I have to ask, on behalf of fans everywhere- where are we at with Episode 3?”

Gordon smiled awkwardly and looked around the room. He eventually sighed and shrugged.

“It’s been years since Episode 2. Valve pioneered the idea of the episodic game, merging DLC with expansion pack to make a game played in chapters, allowing them to chop up a larger game into segments. We were all interested by the idea that it would allow them to be more adaptive, responding to feedback as it came. Not to mention the narrative options. So after two great episodes that end with a cliffhanger… where is Episode 3? Graphics have moved on a lot since then… are we to understand that the episodic model is being scrapped in favour of a full Half Life 3?”

He shook his head and raised an eyebrow. I sensed that he didn’t want to talk about it.

“Okay, just one question then: will the events of Portal be meeting those of Half Life?”

Gordon laughed and wagged a finger.

“Fine, fine. There were rumours for a while of a Half Life movie. I personally can’t help but notice the similarities between you and Walter White from the TV show Breaking Bad. The goatee, the glasses, the fury. How would you feel about Brian Cranston portraying you?”

Gordon shrugged and nodded. I began to wonder if there was really much point in interviewing a mute.

“Okay, so one last question. Can we expect wedding bells for you and Alyx Vance?”

I think I touched a nerve- Gordon shook his head and started waving his arms. He stood and brusquely left the room. I suppose we’ll have to wait and see. On his way out of the door, I noticed that he was using his left hand. Repetitive crowbar strain? I hesitate to speculate.

 

Not the interview I wanted, but a fascinating insight into the mind of a treasure of the gaming world. His work will speak for itself- we must continue to be patient.

 
[sociable]

The Venerable Beard – 10/10/12

I imagine you seeing this post and demanding in your best Dalek voice: “EXPLAIN!”

So I shall. This is a new ‘column’ about stuff, the stuff varies, it’s short and just a bit of fun-poking.

Today’s stuff: Dragon’s Den, Civilization 5 and Badgers.

 

Dragon’s Den is a thing what appears on the telly box. I watch it sometimes. People pitch their ideas/businesses at five decadent capitalist pig dogs. The pig dog dragons (awesome idea for an Order of the Stick baddie there) deliver either money for a portion of the victim’s soul (yay!) or scathing insults (presumably playing up to the dragon motif).

In fairness it’s pretty ace, even if it does fall into the category of Entertaining By Exploiting People’s Actual Hopes And Dreams. Nonetheless, I have concocted a simple three step plan to improve the show.

1. The inclusion of a Monopoly dynamic. This would involve dressing the dragons like the monopoly man (including the two women, Deborah and Grendel). They invest in the punters then roll dice and drive their cars over them, or something like that. They can build a hotel ONLY after having bought all the properties in a ten mile radius and ALSO having built at least four houses on each plot. It’s harrowingly realistic.
2. The inclusion of the dragon from Merlin. He will be inserted with CGI and voiced by John Hurt. He will dispense advice in the same way that he does in Merlin. Otherwise he will prove to be ultimately useless and anticlimactic, in the same way that he does in Merlin. If public reception is bad, a Skyrimmy Dragonborn-esque armour clad figure will come into the den to pitch his dragon slaying business. He wants 10,000 gold for 10 per cent of the company.
3. The wobbly eye man who compares the show will randomly run into the den during the pitches, dressed as Death, slashing at the entrepreneurs with a scythe.

 

What else? Oh yes, Civilization 5. I’m lazy, so it’s now Civ 5. Make that Civ. Or even just C. Okay, so I really like C. C is a great strategy game with a wonderful historical flavour and loads of character. Said character is generated by the devious tactics of the other C’s that you compete against in C.

The reason this is on my mind is because Isabella of Spain backstabbed me to ribbons and has marched her Conquistadors (that’s a long word, let’s make it ‘C’) all over my laaaand. So Issa’s C’s are conquering (c-ing) my cities (c’s) and proving incredibly hard to defeat!

I’m ‘being’ Russia and I’m not too good at it. I can’t be doing with another C’s C’s c-ing my c’s and bringing Russia to it’s kn’s. I’ve had much more success with being peaceful and focusing on culture, with Siam. My advice: don’t try to explain this game to anyone else ever.

 

Lastly, I said I would discuss badgers, but I can’t be bothered. They’re just wonderful. Stop culling them! Just round them up and put them on the Isle of Mann. Rename it the Isle of Badgg.

 

That is all. Go and listen to some Mumford and Sons.

 

[sociable]